BIRDS
AREN'T
REAL

FEDERAL SURVEILLANCE REPORT — DECLASSIFIED BY FETCH CAMP

EVIDENCE FILE 001 — THE TIMELINE

The United States government systematically replaced all birds with surveillance drones between 1959 and 2001. You have never seen a real bird. What you think of as a bird is a machine. It is watching you right now.

EVIDENCE FILE 002 — POWER LINES

Birds standing on power lines are not resting. They are charging. The electrical grid was built for this purpose. Your utility bill funds the surveillance program.

EVIDENCE FILE 003 — BIRD WATCHING

When you watch birds, the birds are watching you back. And filing reports. Your hobbies, relationships, and snack choices are documented. You probably scored okay.

EVIDENCE FILE 004 — THE FLAMINGO EXCEPTION 🦩

FETCH has conducted extensive field investigations at multiple regional burns. Our flamingos appear to be real. We are watching them closely. They have not charged once. Probably real. Ongoing monitoring.

EVIDENCE FILE 005 — THE SEAGULL INCIDENT

The seagull that stole your food at that outdoor event was conducting a threat assessment. You were evaluated and found non-hostile. You are welcome.

EVIDENCE FILE 006 — THE CUBE

The cube knows. We don't talk about what the cube knows.

VISIT THE CUBE →